This could have been me in my kitchen 25 years ago… the rest of my place didn’t look any better. All those clichés of stuffing things under the bed before my parents came to inspect my room, or later hiding stuff in the tub before guests arrive, praying that no one would peek behind the shower curtain – I have done them all and then some.

Without admitting it or even being aware of it, I was a disorganization expert! So I speak with authority on the 25 top ways to be disorganized, and I personally can guarantee that they all work like a charm:

1) First of all you’ll need to be adamant on one point: expect things to be perfect. Always. Anything else is simply not acceptable. You are a person with high standards! If you can’t get it perfectly right, don’t even start!

2) Wait for all the others around you to behave exactly how you want them to. You’ll wait as long as it takes for them to see that you are right (might takes years, but that’s ok, think of 1).

3) Read books on organization. A lot. Preferably those that make you feel guilty. Then of course you’ll need to fix yourself. So…

4) Devour self-help books. That’ll keep you busy, while you…

5) Wait for the right moment. You haven’t experienced the right moment yet, but it’ll come one day for sure.

6) Work under pressure. You know that you’ll be so much more efficient when you’re stressed out. Always wait until the very last minute to get things done.

7) Always buy the latest organization gadgets and gizmos, organizing systems, and storage solutions. You might already have an attic full of those, but you can’t possibly miss the latest inventions and developments.

8) Eat a lot of junk food – it will give you all the energy you’ll need to stay disorganized. Oh, and don’t have regular meals. You don’t have the time.

9) Realize that actually you have no time at all.

10) Be persuaded that organization is all about how things look on the outside.

11) Realize that with your family background you are bound to be disorganized! Blame your mother. A lot.

12) Be defiant. If people don’t like your disorganization, they just can stay away, can’t they?

13) Never write down appointments. There is enough space in your head.

14) If you must write down something, write very long To-Do lists. But never in your agenda. Scribble them on a random piece of paper, an old envelope lying around, or on the back of your bank statements.

15) Don’t plan anything. You can’t plan life anyway, so why bother?

16) Keep a journal with everything that you don’t like about your personal space. Be diligent and add to it frequently. You’ll be amazed at how much you’ll find. Focus on things you can’t change.

17) Watch a lot of TV. Trashy reality-shows are best.

18) Constantly compare your home to those of others. Yours will never be as good as theirs. Neither will be your life. Then go to 4) , 8) and 21)

19) Do not, I repeat do NOT throw anything away. Ever. Keep everything just in case. Just think of all the disasters that could strike. One never knows. Plus you’ll need all those things to glorify the past.

20) Create an image of your body in sync with your disorganization. This is really important to make your disorganization sustainable!

21) Dream your house, don’t clean your house. Then you’ll be able to do 4), 8) and 15) all at the same time. So much more efficient.

22) When you do clean or tidy your house, interrupt yourself frequently when something else crosses your mind. You are an intuitive person, aren’t you?

23) Be busy all day long. Do not slow down and never, ever rest and savor the moment, because this could sabotage your whole disorganization!

24) Arrange everything in your space so that it makes sense only to you. Never mind your partner, co-workers or children. They have no idea, or they are simply lazy. Always run behind them cleaning and straightening. And yes,  you may blame them! And speaking of which…

25) Blame yourself constantly. Yell at yourself with a very high-pitched voice. Call yourself names. That’ll keep you in disorganization for the rest of your life!

26) to infinity: what can you add to this list?